the terror of isms
(Inspired by 9/11, Published March 2011)
“Walasia Noor EL Shabazz catches a train — and gives some tips about how to innocuously frighten the racists.”
If you want to scare the living daylights out of racist people, there’s a simple way to do it without harming anyone.
First, be a middle-aged woman who is (outwardly) Muslim.
Dress in black, taking care to wear some ‘ethnic’ garb from another country that is not America (where all the clothing worn is made in other countries, but is somehow American anyway and therefore okay to wear).
Wearing a black Hijab, Abaya, Burqa or veil isn’t advised (it’s too obvious). Choose a fabulous Fuchsia Hijab to attract more attention — you don’t want to blend in too much.
Wear a pair of earrings made of peacock feathers. These won’t scare anyone, but they will be gloriously beautiful and fun to wear.
Have a stylish yet oversized black leather handbag containing various items such as keys, cell phone, pocketbook, money, a small black notebook, pen, bottled water, a banana, your umbrella or any other completely standard items one would find in a woman’s purse.
For an even more frightening handbag, add a copy of the Al-Qu’ran, which you can take out of your purse at random and read quietly to yourself (all terrorists do this, and you don’t want to disappoint the racists). If armed police are on board the train, combine with Dhikr beads for a truly frenetic terror-causing experience.
Once you’re ready to go, take public transportation such as the bus, train, or subway. That way people will give you plenty of dirty looks when you board, sit down, are riding, and when you disembark.
Once you arrive at the train station, make sure you buy a bottle of water from the vendor parked outside. He must also be a Muslim — that way other commuters will hear him say ‘A Salaamu Alaikum, Sister’. They will know that you are a terrorist because you will answer him, ‘Walaikum A Salaamu Brother, one bottle of water, please?’ For added terror, you may also say ‘Shukran’ when he hands you the water.
When purchasing your ticket, ensure that you have a bit of change left over to leave on the ticket machine in case someone in need comes along. This is obviously not the American way, so you will continue to alert people that you are in fact a terrorist.
After the train arrives, sit quietly in the empty seat by the door. Be sure to drink from your water bottle every now and then so people know that you are carrying a suspiciously clear liquid.
If there are enough racist imbeciles on the train, especially ones who move seats to get further away from your seat, it is an excellent plan to say anything in Arabic under your breath with your eyes closed (or even a gibberish-talk that might be mistaken for Arabic by the ignorant, the racist, and the silly). This makes the racists sit on the edge of their seat with fear, because you are so clearly preparing for your Jihad; and since the train is underwater in a tunnel, they will not be escaping the carnage.
When the train arrives at the other side of the tunnel and doors open to admit new passengers, it is most excellent to make sure the Sikh gentleman with the turban boards the train and sits near to your seat. Because now the racists are sure that this train will self-destruct. He is, of course, a terrorist as well.
After plenty of people have given you both dirty looks, but avert their eyes quickly when you catch them, it’s a wonderful idea a few stops later to have the young Black man with dreadlocks and the Raiders sweatshirt get on the train, see you, and say ‘A Salaam Alaikum!’. Because then you say ‘Walaikum A Salaam!’ and smile.
This is obviously code for something because he is a thug and drug dealer, one to be feared to be sure, but they know he is not a Muslim, because he doesn’t look like a Muslim. Terrorist? Most likely, since they are already in fear of him and the gun(s) he’s obviously carrying.
On your walk to your destination after getting off the train (where you’ve most likely left a suspicious package or other tool of your terrorism), it is important to smile and say hello to the impeccably-dressed, flamboyant and proud-to-be-gay San Francisco man. Not because he smiled and greeted you first, but because he is gay and gay is different and therefore definitely a terrorist.
A few blocks later, you should stop to talk to the three young brothers with yellow picket signs protesting outside the non-union pharmacy on behalf of their local workers’ union. They are not only terrorists like you, but also communists. Since terrorism is the new communism, this is doubly frightening to the older racists because they fear and hate both the communists and the terrorists. A triple-whammy because all the terrorists in all those terrorist countries (some of them in — clutch your pearls — Africa) also do protests and things, with signs in that terrorist writing they use over there; and that’s how they start revolutions.
I forgot the most important thing about being a big, bad, evil, scary terrorist Muslim lady. You absolutely have to carry the blossom of a beautiful purple flower in your hand the whole time. Walking, on the bus, on the train, walking again, going home on the train, and on the bus. The flower is very important, because terrorists always carry one. Flowers symbolize death and destruction, as you know, so they make the perfect terrorist accessory.
That’s it! Easy, right?
If you remember to do all of these things, you too will terrify the racists with their isms — racism, fascism, etc. You will be a terrorist, inspiring feelings of intense, overwhelming fear in all (racists) that observe you. It will be totally awesome and all the racists will hate you, which is great because you won’t hate them, fear them, or be under their power.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY PAMBAZUKA NEWS
* Walasia Noor EL Shabazz is an author, journalist and chef born in Los Angeles and bred in Oakland, California.